edition #3 - from Jazz
Dear folks,
Hi I’m Jazz Giuliani from Melbourne and please enjoy my letter.
Welcome to the ENERGY Bank of Australia
“We take your energy and deposit it seamlessly into accounts.”
“Hello Miss,” a robotic voice croaks, the
Teller waits, hand o u t s t r e t c h e d and digits snarled, waiting…
Tic Toc seconds lost
Waiting for a buoyant deposit of my energy to slip nimbly into hands
Where the branch can deposit it
Resolutely.
I wait for a categorical way to spend my time, I have energy to $pend
Count the ways to spend it
Spend the ways to count it
My energy is finite, not to be wasted or dwindled
My energy is generous, a gift to be given
My energy is emotional and formed in tear ducts
My energy is laborious, churned by hand, reared in fields
My energy is capital to be invested wisely
My energy is friction, hands touching static
My energy is voodoo buzzwords and white linen affirmations
My energy is prescribed and sanctioned
My energy is the monetisation of selfhood
My energy is a deposit to be categorised and spent
“Miss?” The teller is still waiting
Impatiently still
The teller waits
The thing is… the thing is… it is… this
I am losing energy thinking about where to spend it
Thinking about categories and investments and 10 year plans
My energy
It is seeping from my pores, sliding from my grasp
While I busy myself with the business of giving
To banks and categories and knowing where to invest
The teller waits, as my deposit dwindles
Coins clink from my pockets, nosily in the tiled lobby
“Miss?”
I am a body without sleep
“Miss?”
Where does a modern woman spend?
“Miss?”
I am losing everything
“Miss?”
It is slipping from my grasp
“Miss?”
The teller listens urgently, but I
Have nothing to give.
Lately I have been musing about how and where we spend our energy. By energy I am referring to our time, efforts and physical and emotional resources. In the modern world our perceived or performed identity often feels like one of the largest transactions we have to consider. In her book ‘Trick Mirror’ writer Jia Tolentino describes a post internet society as “a world in which selfhood has become capitalism’s last natural resource, a world whose terms are set by centralised platforms that have deliberately established themselves as near-impossible to regulate or control.”
I have spent countless brief interactions at parties feeling as though my human value is entirely dependent on my presentation of self in that moment. I need to convey what I do in a way that is interesting and aspirational to the other but not overt or conflated. I feel an identical apprehension when composing social media posts, hands gripping phone in the question of who I am and how I present that persona publicly. For me, the issue isn’t that these interactions force a fixed identity that I feel tethered to, the endless scroll give us multiple opportunities to tweak and edit our personas, but rather, it is the constant and consistent need to reach for more that has turned my selfhood into a second job. In every interaction I feel the omnipresent burden to be presenting or striving for something new. In some circles that might be the persistent pressure of having to accomplish the next perceived life milestone like marriage, birthing children or continued acquisition of capital. In other circles it might be the next creative endeavour, project or career milestone. In other parts of my life this looks like new learning, spiritual enlightenment or greater social compassion.
I have felt weighed down by the responsibility of my continued growth and feel myself developing a sort of consumer anxiety about identity. Energy has become a commodity that I am responsible for investing in for maximum personal return. An emphasis on our energy in the form of concepts like “emotional labour” has articulated that feeling well, but also placed some emphasis on constantly checking and ensuring that the energy we do have is not wasted or spent on the wrong relationships, on toxic people or dissatisfactory careers. Our capitalist society encourages us to do away with what does not serve us and only swipe right on what suits our needs. While I do think this can be so helpful, particularly for women or non-binary people who want to break away from social conditioning that has us constantly prioritising the needs of others, in some ways I think it blurs the lines between self-growth and being selfish or living narcissistically. Is a life well-lived only measured by personal betterment or is there is something to be gained from energy given for the sake of bettering the life of others or the community? I'm certain that it's a precarious scale which is weighted by whatever wider trend is happening in society. Communities are fragmenting and now more than ever people are isolated and focused on self.
Where there was once a quiet refrain in my mind to “spend my energy wisely” it has gradually turned into a screaming roar I hear whenever I say yes or no to anything, whenever I work or write or make social engagements. I wanted explore the transactional nature of energy in our society and the onus it puts on us as individuals with poetry.
With love,
